[WP] You’re a time traveler hired to find incriminating evidence of people and snap a photo. This person is your toughest case yet.
I’ve done it. I have officially found the purest soul ever to exist in the history of mankind. I’ve followed him for nearly a decade. Watched and cataloged his every movement, everything he’s said and have yet to find a single act that could even be considered “questionable” let alone “incriminating.” And, if I didn’t get something soon, then my sorry ass is fucked.
The guy simply can do no wrong. On paper he’s done some bad things. Fought in a war, punched a few people, made out with a hooker on New Year’s Eve. Hell, he even mooned and elected official! The problem is, if anyone else did these things, they’d be ridiculed for life but when he does it, it’s somehow charming. I don’t understand!
Look, I’m the best at what I do, make no mistake about it. I’ve photographed actual saints fucking prostitutes, Buddhist monks snorting coke, and billionaire philanthropists stabbing hobos. Who the fuck do you think took the photo of R Kelly peeing on an under-aged girl? Me, that’s who.
I gotten close though, so very close. I photographed this guy having a one-night stand with a lady. Okay, not too bad, pretty typical. But here’s the thing. She gets pregnant and has the baby without him. The kids a bastard! Classic!
So, I take some photos, follow the mom and son around for a couple years hoping the kid becomes a serial killer or something. But then, sure as shit, mister perfection waltzes in and starts being a father. Not only that, but the mom dies, and this guy then raises the kid all on his own. Fuck! He even makes unplanned pregnancies pure!
The whole purpose of my occupation is to find people doing something shameful but how am I supposed to do that with a guy who feels no shame? And I’ll do my best to not be offensive here, but the guy is sort of, ah - simple minded - so to speak. He doesn’t worry about the things other people do and he is able to feel content no matter his station in life.
It’s admirable, to be sure, but it also means that I am stuck in the 1980’s until I find something. And before you go off on your lecture about how the 80’s was the golden age or some shit, just wait until the 2130’s when things get fucking incredible. I’m talking space colonies, teleportation and, of course, time travel. So, you can take your teased hair and leather pants and shove it straight up your ass!
I apologize, the guy’s driving me insane and absolutely killing my good reputation that I spent years to build up. If I could just catch him doing one bad thing then I can finally go home, hug my wife and kid and maybe consider a different career path. Or, and this is more likely, this dude, Captain Content as I call him. Evidently the kindest, most genuine soul to grace this Earth, will result in my immediate termination
Imagine that, being fired because of a man by the name of Forrest fucking Gump. Unbelievable.